Third Trimester of Pregnancy

I was going to write a pregnancy update, but I have this feeling of not wanting to share. I'm not excited to share my experience because in some ways I just don't know the point. Before it felt fun, was tied to earning more money, and I wanted to do it. Now, I don't feel this overwhelming urge to share like I did before. I'm more okay than ever/able to stand firm in me doing what makes sense for me without having to convince anyone else that that is an okay thing to be doing. And, yet, if I share I feel there may be voices that try to convince me otherwise and I don't want that either.

After a hard day of pregnancy yesterday where I ended up in this space of, "why is this happening? Why don't I feel good?," H said, "You are very pregnant. You shouldn't expect to be at 100%." To me that comment felt like permission to relax. Why do I need someone to point out the seemingly obvious, but clearly not obvious to me, to be able to live within my current season's limits and do what I need?

I hope for the rest of pregnancy I can find pockets of peace, rest and calm and get out of my own way to use them well. God has been very kind to give me pockets of time to spend with Him. His presence in my life is greater in this pregnancy than ever before. Our sermon on Sunday was part of a joy series and we discussed 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which the call is to:

• rejoice

• pray incessantly

• give thanks regardless

I have been praying, what seems incessantly to me, for some specific things for this birth (GBS negative, 8# 12oz, it to be an experience of joy regardless of circumstances). In my time with the God my thoughts can drift to cyclical worries and fears. The suggestion from Sunday was to turn the non-stop thoughts into a dialogue - turn a worry-filled monologue into a dialogue with God. Like, you dial God on your phone and you just slip your phone into your pocket and you never hang up the call. You just stay in conversation with Him all day and all night. The cyclical thoughts want to run me ragged and decide my story for me. This idea of turning a stress-filled monologue into a dialogue has been very helpful to me and I've been using it regularly this week.

Some pregnancy related things:

This baby moves SO much inside of me. Sometimes it makes me a bit queasy and I don't remember the girls moving this much. I wake up in the morning and she is already jumping around.

I feel more connected to H and our marriage is more safe, playful and solid than ever. It's really nice heading into a newborn season with that, and yet I'm still worried 3 kids are going to be difficult to handle, because it will be. If I'm with baby and he is with the two big girls...it's gonna be a lot for us both and that worries me.

I am 31 weeks and have a midwife appointment today. This pregnancy seems long and I'm exhausted. I need to remember I am very pregnant and shouldn't expect to feel 100%. I am acknowledging stretches during the day I feel good and I want to continue to be grateful for those times and grateful for this pregnancy. I can't wait for our family's end-cap to arrive. I love her so much already.