Major Fearer + Looking forward to today.

I find myself getting nervous to step back into the newborn time. One of the things I find so hard in those early days is the lack of separation from one day to the next. A Saturday at 8am feels no different than a Tuesday at noon. It's just all blah and until a sleep schedule is predictably followed it's rough.

I'm thinking about this because Saturday mornings have become a time when I know H will consistently and predictably (two very important things for my sanity) have the kids and I'm free. Today I'm going to meet a friend for a walk and then we have our youngest's first playdate at 3pm. I'm feeling much better than yesterday. I forget how much a lack of sleep affects me. My mom came over yesterday and not only did I get to go to the grocery store alone, but she also got me back to baseline in a few ways - she encouraged me to take a nap and she folded all the laundry. I'm lucky to have a great mom. Who is so eager to love and help me and my sisters.

Today also marks 16 weeks pregnant with kiddo number three. Exciting. It feels nice to get past 15 weeks for some reason - like we're really into it now. Today, compared to yesterday, I find myself looking forward to the day (I know not staring down 10 hours alone with the kids is a huge reason for this). The side effects of restarting Sertraline seem to be a little less - less nausea at the moment, less bloating, less missing satisfaction from food. I'm glad I restarted it. Even though there is fears and what-ifs swirling - what if this affects baby? what if this was the wrong choice? - I'm calling out that fear as sin way more than ever with being aware of the fear when it come up and calling out with: Lord, this fear is something that separates me from you. I want more of you. Please help me. Healing from being such a major fearer feels impossible and I know it will be something only He will be able to do. Praise God for being an available and caring Father.