Exercise over time with Jesus.

For a long time I chose working out over time with Jesus. I dreaded working out because I did it more than my body wanted to. How I viewed time was, “I’m not going to spend 45 minutes reading my bible or in prayer when in that time I could have my workout over with."

What transformed this was several things, but one was attending churches that encouraged being in a relationship with God and enjoying His presence. At our current church, one of our core values is: "ENJOY GOD: We chase joy and believe it will be maximized as we know, love, and walk with God." This was a missing element of my faith that I didn't value as essential. What allowed me to not cling so desperately to exercise was figuring out how to be still. How to not occupy every moment with frenetic doing.

Exercise was something that allowed a hurried and distracted pace to be continued. Our pastor said recently, "....take a step into the unhurried wild." Being less distracted did and still does feel like the wild because if I stopped the restless and praylessness activities that kept me busy, the swirling, whirling snowstorm of thoughts would be waiting for me. The idea of it catching up to me I was sure would cause some level of distress that I could never overcome. If exercise wasn't being done, that was more space I'd have to find an activity to do to distract me. And, exercise is physically regulating. This is still true, exercise is regulating and that's not a bad thing, but the misuse of exercise is a bad thing. Expecting something to solve something it can't. So I'd be signing up for more stillness (which is distressing) and less physical regulation (also distressing).

After a particularly intense depressive episode, complete with fleeting suicidal thoughts, my counselor suggested using Sertraline as a tool to help me create a more pleasant and bearable internal environment until I had the rhythms established to be able to be well. I see a biblical counselor and us sharing the same biblical worldview has been essential for my trust of her and having it be a massively life-changing relationship. I remember my previous therapist office slowly started being taken over by a multitude of Buddha figurines and I was like, "I gotta go." The goal with the Sertraline was to not put a timeline on it. Don't heave expectations on it, just see how it unfolds. Sertraline was very helpful in supporting me in doing the things I wanted to do - be in silence without feeling like I was going to die from the swirling, whirling thoughts.

Since stopping mindless movement, there are been constant nudges that silence and making each day simpler and more oriented towards Jesus, was my path forward. Slowly getting used to rest and how to rest. Gradually figuring out how to stop moving at a non-stop pace.

One of the first steps into wanting to read my bible was buying a beautiful bible. Ugh, I know. Every bible is beautiful, but here I am. I got a She Reads Truth bible and it was so appealing to me. I remember the Holy Spirit giving me the thought, "With Jesus...the seeker begins to rest." Over the next few years, this desire and craving grew inside me to want to know and experience God.

In Invitation to Solitude and Silence by Ruth Haley Barton, Barton discussed doubts she's had with Christianity. One of which was, if this is what the Christian faith has to offer, it's not enough. Barton found for her what was missing was a rhythm of silence and solitude. In my experience with silence and solitude in the presence of Christ (and using her book as a helpful "how-to" guide), I've experienced God's freedom and my desire to spend time with Him and ability to rely on Him has grown. My time with the Lord has gone from "I should do this" to a "I want the peace I experience with Him. I want to do this and I know my need is great."

Barton says in the book, "Your desire for God is the truest and most essential thing about you. It is truer than your sin, your net worth, your marital status or any role or responsibility you hold. Your desire for God and your capacity to connect with God as a human soul is the essence of who you are. But there is an even greater truth. Before you were even aware of your desire for God, God desired you. He created you with a desire for him that groans and yearns in every fiber of your being. When we feel our desire, we are actually responding to God because he has already initiated with us. The origin for our desire for God is God’s desire for us. When we cut ourselves off from awareness of our desire, we cut ourselves off from the very invitation of God into the intimacy we seek. Desire is the sure guide in the spiritual quest." Barton went on to say, "Underneath all other desire, is a desire for God. For love and true belonging." All we really want is to be known by God and others.

And yet, being known by others is hard. Just this week I ended up very dysregulated after I repented of a very vulnerable sin to my house church. The next day I got up and had an urge to exercise to numb and distract away from having to think about it. I haven't had that urge in years. But I felt embarrassed and like my brain was glitching out because I was so distressed by it. Instead of exercising, I did what could actually bring me peace and help me work through it. I journaled my feelings/thoughts (brain and Satan dump) and then I journaled the truth (bible and God dump).

My feelings were, "How broken you are. How embarrassing. You don't even know the bible and you've shown what a sinner you are. You are worthless to these people now." and "Why did you share? You can handle this alone. Do it alone. Don't let others see. What were you thinking letting others in?" and "I wish I could just get up and exercise so I don't have to feel any of this. Don't have to deal with any of this." and so many pride issues around how the image these people have of me is going to be changed. In general I struggle with being too hard on myself, so some of that came up in the above. An example of being too hard on myself...I was on a call with customer service recently for an insurance pain I was having with work and the person on the phone told me I was being too hard on myself. Like, the customer service rep gave me a pep talk to give myself a break. And I definitely started crying on the other end of the line.

Then the truth: It's good to bring what's in the dark into the light. I don't want to be a person who copes in that way, this will help that not happen. Matthew 23:12, "...and those who humble themselves will be exalted." Exaltation and promotion comes from the Lord. Hi, my need is great.

This morning I woke up and was still feeling ashamed, but after time with worship music I was reminded once again that 1) the humble will be exalted and 2) we are to repent of our sins. God doesn't expect me to be perfect, but He does say 1 and 2 above. I did those things, and there is no shame in that.